The Lead Character Chronicles

Good Girls Gone Barred

2012-03-31T16:02:00.000+08:00

Social media controversy has struck again. This whole week, the one news item that got Lead Character all riled up is that of high school students from STC being barred from attending their graduation rites over supposedly “lewd” bikini photos posted on Facebook. Lead Character hates it when the self-righteous (and more often than not, religious) impose their morals on others. Sure, they are an institution and if you are a voluntary part of it, you have to abide by their rules. But Lead Character cannot help but feel disgusted. The message that this whole thing has delivered is that if you are in a bikini with a cigarette, you are immoral. Lead Character has friends, both male and female, who’ve worn bikinis with a cigarette in their hands and they are good, loving, and moral people. This brings us now to a new segment called:

Really, STC officials!?! Those photos are a “gross disrespect to a woman’s dignity”? What woman? It’s the 21st century. Women without dignity are those that submit to their men like servants. Women without dignity are those that steal, kill, judge other people, and never achieve an orgasm (actually, this goes as well for men). Sex does not strip women of their dignity; if anything it empowers them. Besides, I seriously doubt those photos are “sexually provocative.” They are high school students, for Chrissakes; they were probably just emulating ANTM contestants. Ever watched ANTM? No? Really!?!

20 Reasons Why You Shouldn't Rage Over the '20 Reasons Why I Dislike the Philippines' Video

2012-03-15T09:21:00.001+08:00

20. It's meant to be funny. The guy in the video might sound really fucking pissed, but if you relay his reasons to a fellow Filipino, you'll find yourselves laughing hard.
19. Life's too short to be hateful.
18. He'll eat some of his words when a security guard saves his life.
17. He'll eat some of his words when a security guard frisking him turns him on. Haha.
16. He's been here for 3 years and he hasn't killed himself yet. Surely, he loves the Philippines to some extent.
15. If he bulked up a little and not too much, he'd be totally hot. Like Fassbender hot.
14. The things that piss him off are also the things that piss us off, except perhaps for the cocks crowing at any time of the day, which I don't mind personally. If you hate the video, it only means you want to perpetuate the things that he's pissed about. So yeah, let's all celebrate having filthy CRs with no rolls of tissue.
13. So he hates cocks and we don't, do we really need to react that harshly?
12. He probably doesn't know that the reason why there are a lot of Koreans here is that according to the Korean Bible, Cebu is where the second coming of Christ takes place.
11. Our MILF is hotter than their MILF. Haha.
10. The prostitutes at Mango Square really are annoying. I mean, I mind my own business, but if I ask for a light, don't look at me like I'm dirt just because I'm not a foreigner, you frakking slut!
09. It's a bit disheartening that he says our food is not that good. But then again, if you haven't had balut, dinuguan, ginabot, paklay, etc., you haven't lived.
08. He only gave 20 reasons. I think he was being kind. I hope he never steps foot in a public hospital so his reasons stay at 20.
07. It can be the trigger for reckless drivers to, well, stop being reckless.
06. It can be the trigger for most girls to look better than ladyboys.
05. It can be the trigger for our government to do something.
04. It can be the trigger for all of us to do something.
03. We get offended all too easily. We don't really want that reputation, do we? I'd rather be messy and unhygeinic than hypersensitive. Haha.
02. His country brought us Jack Daniel's so it's all good.
01. He's part of the team that also made this video:

Shame (2011)

2012-02-09T01:25:00.003+08:00

A few years ago, Lead Character spent the night at a guy's place, didn't get any sleep, and had to get to work at eight in the morning. By seven, he asked the guy for his soap, shampoo, and towel. The guy's room didn't have a bathroom so Lead Character had to use the communal shower where he had to wait in line and suffer the curious looks of the other tenants.

Lead Character felt like throwing up. For him, it was the height of self-loathing.

In 94 minutes, the movie Shame by Steve McQueen brought that feeling back. Even without much of a story to follow, the inner turmoil in Brandon (the fucking beautiful Michael Fassbender) pulled Lead Character in. He had expected a lot of eroticism, only to be surprised by a hard slap in the face. (The sex scenes weren't erotic at all, in Lead Character's opinion, but the damn movie still made his head spin.)

Best part of the movie: that scene where Brandon let the guy smell his finger.

Worst part: seeing it end.

The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo (2011)

2012-02-06T01:12:00.002+08:00

Watching David Fincher's adaptation of Stieg Larsson's The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo was almost just like reading the book. It was lengthy and slow, but compelling nonetheless. There were a few differences, though. If I remember correctly, Martin Vanger's house is not as modern as it is in the movie. They also tweaked the ending in a big way, but not so big that it would implicate subplots in the second movie. What was impressive, though, was how they stuck with the location. I thought they would drop Sweden and make it U.S. I'd expected that Mikhael Blomkvist would be a New Yorker and the Vangers Alaskan. Something to that effect.

If I were asked which was better, the book or the movie, I would say I don't care, but do watch the movie still because of Rooney Mara's performance. The Best Actress trophy at the Oscars would probably go to Meryl Streep or Michelle Williams this year, but hell, Rooney Mara's performance, in my opinion, makes her a leading contender. Her take on Lisbeth Salander was just spot on. She would still have probably nailed it even if she was dressed like a Malibu Barbie instead of the signature S&M look of Lisbeth. Daniel Craig didn't shine much in this movie. He was effortless, yes, but it was hard to outshine the Lisbeth Salander character. He did have the raw sexual magnetism, though, of a dancing Channing Tatum.

One huge disappointment: the post-movie dinner at Brown Cup. Their pesto butter pork chop was dry and seemed hurried. It wasn't raw or anything, it just didn't seem well-marinated. But that didn't have anything to do with the movie, so... hehe.

Of an Art Form and Its Gods

2012-01-30T01:07:00.002+08:00

When news broke that the Fashion Institute of the Philippines (FIP) was opening its doors in Cebu, Lead Character got excited. Hell, he got more excited about it than when he learned Krispy Kreme was finally opening branches in the city. Lead Character isn't really big on fashion--he's even awkward when it comes to it--but he supports the industry wholeheartedly, and hopes that one day local designers' works are the sartorial preference of everyone.

Last night, FIP had a grand launching show and party at the Ayala Terraces. Lead Character was lucky to have gotten an invitation to the event from his dear friend, and FIP alumnus, Punky. The event was a lot more enjoyable than Lead Character had expected. It was the first time he'd ever witnessed a live runway fashion show, which turned out to be more than just that. It was pageantry infused with rock music, opera, latin beats, art, six-pack abs, indulgence, wine, amuse-bouche binging, fashion, and six-pack abs.

For Lead Character, the show was such a success that he even considered enrolling at the FIP, perhaps to make bags.

Here are a few of Lead Character's favorite things about the evening.

Catering from SumoSam, which was fantastic.

FIP President Renee Salud's opening remarks, which was short.
Lead Character hates long speeches that no one really listens to.

That guy.

In the spirit of gender equality, that girl.

This shot, because it makes Lead Character laugh.
That guy was up there for a full minute. True story!

The soprano singer, who isn't in the photo above.

Spanish Plum

2012-01-28T22:33:00.000+08:00

short fiction

Even though you were technically my second boyfriend, and the seventh man I’ve been in bed with, you were my first of many things. First real love, first meeting with the parents, first live-in arrangement, first (and only) abortion, among other firsts. You were practically my first glimpse, corny as it sounds, of eternity.

We first met on a rainy August afternoon. August 11th, 2003, I remember. My boss couldn’t meet you due to an impromptu lunch meeting with execs from Manila so he asked me to meet with you quickly, check your mood boards, and then reschedule your meeting with my boss for some time after. You were twenty minutes late, and you apologized incessantly. I didn’t mind because you were soaking wet from the rain and your eyes made my knees wobble. You have the kindest eyes I’ve ever seen: big, round, and hazel because of your Spanish blood, as you later explained to me—which makes me want to ask now: how exactly Spanish are you? You last name is Lam-ang. It doesn’t sound Spanish at all. At least, not for me. And I’ve met your parents. They were both from Butuan, none of whom has a hint of Spanish blood. I wish during the two years that we were together I was able to ask you if you were adopted or an illegitimate child, but I was always afraid you would flare up again.

You got pissed after I told you my boss couldn’t make it, which made you even more attractive to me. I always had this thing for pumped-up gentlemen. Of course, you didn’t tell me you were pissed, and you did your best to hide it, but all your uncontrollable hissing was very effectual. And I, pathetic single woman, couldn’t help but appease you. So I told you I loved your presentation, and that I could actually make decisions for my boss so your pitch was as good as approved. It lightened your mood and it pleased me. I wanted to see you again.

I saw you again the week after, when you met with my boss in his office. Your meeting ended pretty well and your pitch, as I had promised it, was approved. On your way out, you passed by my desk, and you asked me out. I was on cloud nine.

Our first date went so well that I felt right then that you were the one, the man I was going to spend the rest of my life with. Perhaps you felt the same because you asked me out again even before our date was over. And I guess I should carry the burden of the blame. I pretended to love Stanley Kubrick. You were a huge Kubrick fan and I took advantage of it. So we talked primarily of A Clockwork Orange and Full Metal Jacket, as though they were as simple as the weather. I never told you that the only reason I’d seen those movies is that my boss is a huge Kubrick fan himself and he made me watch them. This led me to believe that your pitch was approved not because of my urging but because of the shared fandom you had with Sir Larry.

I loved Sir Larry as a boss. I ended up as more than just his PA but a best friend as well. And I should say that much of how we turned out at first was also because of him. He enjoyed seeing us together, so he made sure I got to spend time with you as much as possible.

So this led us to our first night together. After three weeks of dinners out and cups of coffee and Kubrick marathons at your place, I put out—the longest that I ever held out for a guy. Before you, I slept with men on the first and only date; I never dated the same guy twice. There’s no denying that you were indeed special. There was something about your love for the cinema, your passion for your job as an account executive/copywriter with that now-defunct advertising firm, and your self-proclaimed Spanish blood that made me want you to get to know me better, to appreciate me. So I put out that night, and I felt like I was losing my virginity again. I was nervous as hell. But you, damn you, made me feel so special, so appreciated. That night I knew that I was falling deeper and deeper, and I got scared.

I got less scared, though, when we made love again. And again. And again. And all that fear diminished completely when we started to do it almost on a daily basis. So after three months of going out, all I could think of was having sex with you. Sometimes I’d get wet while at work thinking about having sex with you. And I’m very sorry but I never told you this: I got so horny one time in the office that I fucked the janitor. It was an impulse thing. I was longing for you but you were in Baguio that week for a conference.

This had been quite acknowledged between us, but I have to tell you again: I loved your cock. It’s red and shiny, its head plump and healthy like a sineguelas, and its shaft a fat, crooked thing that felt so good inside me. And I made the stupid mistake of saying it out loud. “Your cock head is like a sineguelas.” Secretly, I thought that was the only Spanish in you. It made you laugh then, but it started the euphemism that you so enjoyed saying over and over.

Do you want sineguelas after dinner?

Come to my place for lunch. Have some sineguelas.

Sineguelas for breakfast?

And sineguelas it was: morning, noon, and night. I especially loved it when you plowed into me like a jackhammer. You were the first guy to ever make me scream with pleasure. In fact, if I’m not mistaken, you were the first man to ever give me an orgasm, and multiple orgasms at that. And it wasn’t just about the sineguelas. When you ate my pussy it drove me crazy. Your tongue knew its way in and out and I always ended up looking for something to grab. I would pull on the blanket, throw pillows around, pull on my hair and squeeze my own tits, because that was how wild you drove me. I probably came a million times the whole time I was with you, because you never rested until I fell unconscious from sheer exhaustion, and by then I’d already cum about ten times.

On our fifth month together, while you were driving me back to my apartment, you told me you loved me. I cried. You may not have known this, but I cried. I didn’t tell you back that I loved you, too, but when I got into my room I cried really hard. I cried so hard I started masturbating just as hard. Because I did love you, too. I was just too petrified to say it back.

A few days after you professed your love, I finally found the courage to tell you. You looked so happy back then that you asked me to move in with you. I said yes. Little did I know that saying yes was the start of the terror I never thought you were capable of causing me.

At first things weren’t that bad. The sex was still fantastic. And it gave us the freedom to do whatever we wanted. You would fuck me on the kitchen sink, on the kitchen table, on the coffee table in the living room, in the laundry room, on the bathroom floor. You even enjoyed fucking me in the terrace noontimes on Sundays, because the apartment building was usually empty on Sundays as your neighbors always went to the mall. But I do remember a couple of times hearing some cheering from the opposite apartment while you fucked me doggy-style.

I loved it when you fucked me doggy-style. Your sineguelas hit my G-spot quite deftly while you rubbed my clit with your fingers. It totally drove me crazy that was why I didn’t mind being watched.

But then things started to go downhill. Probably it was because we were getting too familiar that you started showing your true colors. You started to get honest, and for the most part your honesty hurt.

You told me that you weren’t particularly fond of my blowjob.

It depressed me like hell. I felt inadequate. You asked for a deep-throat, which was something I wasn’t capable of doing yet. Because I didn’t even like giving head then; I always ended up gagging, all choked and teary-eyed. Hence I tried something awful, one that caused us to not speak to each other for weeks. You do remember, right? You probably don’t want me to mention this now, but yeah, I did it so you would know it wasn’t easy giving blowjobs. When we had that threesome with Tirso, your high school friend, I intentionally pushed your head down so you could blow him. And you slapped my hand away, staring at me with disbelief. To be honest, I thought you were OK with it because you did make out with him, and the way the two of you were kissing made me believe it wasn’t the first kiss you shared.

So we didn’t talk for a few weeks. That was also the time that I found out I was pregnant. So you couldn’t blame me if I decided to induce an abortion. I had no idea if we were on the verge of breaking up or not, and I was unsure if the baby was yours or Tirso’s because you assholes both ejaculated inside me. But then, when I couldn’t stop bleeding and had to be taken to the hospital, we made up. It was the kind of kiss-and-make-up that made me the saddest woman in the world. Because I always thought I was pro-life, and being with you made me say goodbye to a lot of principles I never thought I would be able to let go just like that. So it wasn’t just the pro-life thing. You made me the kind of woman who would bend over backwards just to please a man.

And yet, I stayed for another year. And I continued with the task of pleasing you.

Our office janitor became my cock-for-practice. I was still intent on giving you the best blowjob but you never told me how you wanted it done. All you did was tell me I wasn’t doing it right. Our office janitor was different. He would tell me when to do it slowly, when to go fast, which part of my mouth I should rub his cock head with, and most importantly, he gave me all the time in the world to learn how to deep-throat. You did nothing but thrust your hips forward and push my head down. You never waited for me to get ready. Joseph always let me do my own thing. And in two week’s time, I was able to reel his cock into my mouth until my lips touched his pubes. And I didn’t gag.

Don’t you remember that one night when I sucked you in and out masterfully that you came three times in my mouth? Yes, I’d gotten all the practice for that from Joseph the janitor. And that night, after driving you crazy with my technique, I started entertaining the thought of leaving you. But I still stayed for a few weeks more. And then things got worse.

You asked me to swallow.

I never wanted to. It was the last thing on my mind. But since I got so good, you were addicted to it. You even stopped pointing your sineguelas into my vagina. All it pointed to was my mouth. And I missed your sineguelas inside my pussy, the way you fucked me real hard to kingdom come.

Swallowing your load was the worst thing ever. Primarily because it was too pungent in taste that I couldn’t stop burping after. Even after I gargled Listerine and drank glasses of water, I still burped and burped. And I burped and burped the next day. The burping stopped at lunchtime when I downed two cans of Sprite. I promised myself never to swallow cum again.

So I left you. Yes, this decision had been too sudden, especially for you. I thought I could stay longer to see if things could still work out, but finding the engagement ring in your drawer was an eye-opener for me. If I stayed and waited for you to come home from work, I knew I couldn’t say no if you proposed in person. And I couldn’t live the rest of my life always wanting to please you.

So goodbye, my love.

I still love you, Chris, but I have to start loving myself more. May you soon find someone better suited for you.

Love,

Nora
xoxo

Das Leben der Anderen (The Lives of Others)

2012-01-27T18:00:00.000+08:00

Year: 2006
Country: Germany

*** *** *** *** ***

There are movies that are touching, but that’s what they only end up doing: touch; they never go past your skin (e.g., My Best Friend’s Wedding, North Country). There are also a few movies that do go past your skin, but fall short at piercing through your soul (e.g., Love Actually, Magnifico, Atonement). But every once in a while, you get lucky (or unlucky, depending on how you look at it) and you get to see a movie that pierces through so deep it speaks with your soul (e.g., Jerry Maguire, Magnolia). This is the case for me with The Lives of Others.

Set in 1984 in East Berlin, an agent of the Stasi spying on a playwright and his lover becomes engrossed with their lives that he ends up challenged as to where his loyalties lie. Sure, there’s nothing much in the premise that could indicate a life-altering experience, but how the events unfold in the story is just breathtaking. By the end of it, I got to wonder if it is really that possible to give up someone you love over your own freedom and passion. And in life, just how good enough is a few choices? And just how much sacrifice does it take to be a good person? The Lives of Others inspires those kinds of questions. I think now that if a movie can inspire questions like those in me, then perhaps it deserves a spot in my top ten.

Someone wise once told me that there are no good or bad movies; just movies you learn more from. I think it’s quite chilling if you learn something about yourself just by watching a movie. And The Lives of Others indeed is chilling in this regard.

*** *** *** *** ***

Written and Directed by: Florian Henckel von Donnersmarck
Starring: Ulrich Mühe, Martina Gedeck, Sebastian Koch, Ulrich Tukur

An Open Letter to Soap Opera Writers/Creators in the Philippines

2012-01-27T01:00:00.000+08:00

How's it hanging?

I hope you are all in good health because I am not. I am just about to get completely well from an unexplained fever (scary!), which has caused me backlogs in both of my full-time and project-based jobs, but despite that, I am finding the time to write you.

Before anything else, I would like to stress that I am not writing this as a fellow writer, but as an audience member. I am barely a writer in my own right, so I cannot use that card when I give you tips on how to improve on your craft.

One of the most memorable job interviews I had was for a position in a film production company. I was asked what my favorite TV show was. My answer, without so much as a blink of an eye, was "Lost." The interviewer then asked me if the Philippines was ready for a TV show like "Lost." My answer was an all-caps NO, explaining that our local channels have just begun remaking old materials that weren't even good to begin with, so how can they possibly be ready for a TV show like "Lost"?

Looking back at that now, I realize that I was too quick to pull the trigger. Creatively, yes, YOU are ready. You can surely come up with something just as good as "Lost," you are just too afraid to do so. But there shouldn't be any reason to be afraid anymore. If you think about it, every Filipino on Facebook has an American TV show as their favorite. Everyone I know who download via torrent or stream off Megavideo understands the complexities of American TV-show storytelling. Hell, not only do they get American humor but British humor as well. And those people are in the very demographics that your advertisers need. So what the eff is holding you back? You had some progress when you did "100 Days to Heaven," but then you regressed with a piece of shit like "Budoy." Again, what the eff?

Here are some pointers that you might find useful in coming up with your next project(s):

1. Cut lengthy crying scenes. We already know what is causing that character pain, but to indulge them for a full minute of nonstop wailing? Yes, this includes burial scenes. We already know people who die get buried, and that their loved ones cry, you do not have to show EVERY SINGLE THING!

2. Enough with the separated-at-birth storylines. This is not readily identifiable by everyone. Most viewers know who their real parents are. Surely, there must be other plots you can play around with that call for climactic endings other than a biological parent-child reunion.

3. Consult professional experts. If your scene involves lawyers or anything of legal nature, consult real-life lawyers on how that scene should go. Same goes for anything medical; consult real-life doctors. So many times have you made real-life doctors cringe at carelessly executed ER and OR scenes. If you already have consultants, get better ones.

4. Flesh out your characters, even the antagonists. Most of your characters are two-dimensional. Even kontrabidas need to relate to us like real people. Stop exaggerating their actions relative to their motivations.

5. Be relevant. How about, instead of simply coming up with tearjerkers, you come up with something meaningful? How about a commentary on the Philippine government? Instead of erroneously telling us that lightning can cure autism, you show, um, as an example, how religion can corrupt a society, or whatever it is that you stand for.

I'm sure there are a lot more you can improve on, but it's already late and I still have to write my open letter to the Philippine music industry, which might be so full of expletives it will make Regine Velasquez's head explode.

I guess what this all boils down to is for you to think of yourselves again as that young writer who never had a project yet, who was but an audience member at the time. Didn't you dream of becoming great? Didn't you plan of starting a revolution? Didn't you want to change the landscape of Philippine TV? If you did, then it's not too late yet.

Be great. Start a revolution. Change the landscape of Philippine TV.

Love,

Lead Character

Losing Cakewalker's

2012-01-25T12:00:00.000+08:00

Several months ago, Lead Character and his friends found out one of their favorite hangouts, Pod5, had closed down. Pod5 was phenomenal not exactly for the karaoke but for one of its signature drinks, Blue Imagination. It was tasty and heavenly and so strong that halfway through a pitcher, one of you might start dancing to the beats coming from Formo downstairs, and another might be going on a drunk-texting rampage, and others might even start leaving to look for regrettable one-night stands.

Until now, Lead Character is still grieving it. There was news that went around, though, that Pod5 had transferred to Club Ultima, but that is yet to be confirmed.

The other day, Lead Character found out that another favorite hangout of his and his friends had closed down.

Yes, the coziest coffee shop in town, despite their so-so beverages and sluggish Wi-Fi, is no more.

What are they taking away from Lead Character next? This???

NO!!!!!

Lead Character in 2012

2012-01-24T23:46:00.003+08:00

This is over three weeks overdue but Lead Character would like to greet everyone a Happy New Year.

Yes, perhaps this would not have been as tardy if Lead Character greeted everyone with a Chinese New Year sentimentality, but Lead Character is neither Chinese nor sentimental. Well, perhaps not completely. Lead Character looks a little Chinese when he's sleepy or drunk, and most especially when he's sleepy and drunk at the same time. And he's kind of sentimental, especially when he decides to finally regroup and think about things that he is to expect this year.

5. Follow a clearer career path. Nope, Lead Character has not documented anything here about what he really wants to do in life. But that's because he doesn't know what it is exactly. All he knows is that it involves an Oscar statuette and $1B.

4. Get inked. He now has the design, yes. But not the body part for it yet. Well, he knows which body part, it's just not ideally formed enough yet. Yes, yes, dammit, he wants a tattoo on his belly. What does his belly look like right now? You don't want to know. And if you do, you shouldn't.

3. Lose weight. Not exactly for aesthetics purposes. He doesn't need aesthetics (ha ha!). This is solely for the tattoo (ha ha!).

2. Write more. Get published again. Send an entry to the Palanca awards. Win or lose, it doesn't really matter. At least one blog entry per day to start with. Ambitious? Well, if others can do it, there's no reason why a Renaissance man (ha ha!) like Lead Character can't. Well, there is one reason: Procrastination. Embarrasingly, Lead Character's affair with Procrastination has now bordered on sexual.

1. The one thing why all those four things are expected this year. They're all for this first one. Later this year, maybe October, maybe November. You'll see, you'll see.

Lead Characterisms

2011-10-21T00:15:00.000+08:00

Over the years, Lead Character has let go of some of the wisest pieces of advice for his friends. He’s never documented any of it, but he realizes now that it’s about time that he does.

Lead Characterism can be a movement, much like Ayn Rand’s Objectivism. And no, this isn’t entirely narcissistic as Lead Characterism does not have to be about Lead Character himself, but to anyone who wants to be the lead character in the movie of their lives. Lead Character has met hundreds of people. The 434 friends in his Facebook profile is but a pinch. There’s probably 20 more that haven’t added him up yet. And of those 454 people that he’s met in his entire lifetime, only a handful has shown that they are lead characters. Just like Lead Character, most people just do not have the balls to be in the spotlight and just settle for being sidekicks or (gasp!) extras.

So do not be a sidekick or an (gasp!) extra anymore. Learn from Lead Character.

Physics and Calculus have opposing definitions when it comes to Love. In Physics, Love is like Energy; it can neither be created nor destroyed, it can only be transferred. In Calculus, Love = DNE. It would make sense for Lead Character to go with Calculus. Because with Calculus, it would follow that Pain = DNE. Because think about it. What happens when you lose Energy? You get backlogs at work!
In a post-apocalyptic world, the only useful people are doctors, architects, carpenters, and farmers. But perhaps during idle time while rebuilding society, performers, especially comedians, will come in handy. Athletes will be very useful, too, but not as athletes. The scary part is that for sure, politicians will still push for themselves as important.
There is no such thing as pre-marital sex if you do not intend to or cannot get married. For some, it's simply pre-dinner, or pre-2012. Hopefully, though, not pre-school or postmortem.
It is fine to be stuck in the past, just not physically.
In Third World culinary, white vinegar and Sprite can be substitute for white wine.
If someone steals your cell phone, steal it right back.
If you let the cat out of the bag, be prepared for it to go “meow!”
Do not let a tiger out of the bag. Never!
Lesbians are fun to hang out with.
Cameron Diaz is annoying.
What looks like a wart can be a tumor all along. Do not attempt to cauterize it with Lion-Tiger katol. Consult your doctor.
When you have no sense of direction, the less things upset you.
There’s no such thing as living in the moment. You can be having fun with your friends, seemingly enjoying yourself, but there’s always that thing hovering about you that you cannot get rid of: it could be issues at home, an ex you still can’t get over, or an ingrown nail.
Find humor in your heartache and you’ll be fine.

That’s all that Lead Character can remember for now. Until next time!

No Other Woman (2011)

2011-10-01T20:32:00.000+08:00

A former American boss Lead Character had once said: "Cover your ears, Lead Character, because you are not going to like what I am about to say." Then he turned to his colleague. "So many people here cheat. Cheating is like an epidemic in this country."

Lead Character squirmed in his seat. He didn't quite get why his boss would say such a thing, when in the U.S., their former President, while in office, was caught sticking his dick in an intern's mouth.

Thankfully, the colleague answered: "But it's not just here. Cheating is everywhere."

Right on! But the bigger challenge may be here in the Philippines, because when a spouse cheats, you do not have the option to divorce. So how Filipinos handle infidelity is not so much as easy as handling it in the U.S., where you can just threaten your spouse of taking everything he/she's got.

Such challenge is portrayed admirably in the movie No Other Woman, directed by Ruel S. Bayani, written by Kris Gazmen, Jay Fernando, and Keiko Aquino. Admirable because everything is so hammy right off the bat it's hardly real life. The very first scene finds Cara (Anne Curtis) emerging from the water as if she were in a canned tuna commercial. She just walks towards the shore with brazen sexuality, without even tilting her head repeatedly to get seawater off her ear. And that's how Lead Character found the movie admirable. They could have taken themselves too seriously and Lead Character would have puked inside the theater. Instead, it was done with a kind of self-ridicule that Lead Character is not unfamiliar with.

The series of banters between the mistress, Cara, and the wife, Sharmaine (Christine Reyes), is an instant classic. Mistresses and wives in real life will now have something to say to each other without having to go on an all-out catfight. They will now settle with sarcasm, with repressed rage pulsing desperately to erupt. Instead of talking about their husbands directly, they will use designer bags as an allusion to their men.

Lead Character cannot blame the long line at the theaters on the movie's opening day. The trailer was deemed one of the best everyone has seen in recent years. The last movie trailer that affected Lead Character so much was the one for I Am Sam (2001), only to get disappointed upon watching the movie itself. But No Other Woman did not disappoint. Its trailer really was just the tip of the iceberg. The movie contained more classic banters between Cara and Sharmaine that one could hope for, and even more memorable lines from Sharmaine's mother (Carmi Martin), that despite Lead Character's plan of sleeping through the movie, he stayed up the whole time.

When the husband, Ram (Derek Ramsay), was caught with a hickey on his neck, he just maintained that he was stung by a jellyfish. So Sharmaine's mother commented: "Ganyan talaga pag galing sa makakating dikya. . .nagmamarka." ("That's how it is if it comes from itchy jellyfish. . .it leaves a mark.")

Who the hell can sleep through that?

Seriously, No Other Woman is that fun. So fun that you don't want it to end, especially that it has a lazy ending. Because the writers probably ran out of ideas on how to end the story properly, they relied on the best way to resolve problems: a life-threatening vehicular accident.

Yes, that's a spoiler. Ram gets into a car accident, forcing Cara to back away and Sharmaine to forgive her husband.

So to sum everything up: it's a fun movie, but you already know the ending, so don't watch it.

Rakenrol (2011)

2011-09-23T01:43:00.002+08:00

Rakenrol by Quark Henares is one of those movies that, after watching, makes you just want to head on home and write a scathing review of.

Lead Character was a fan of Quark Henares's writing. He has a friend who went to Ateneo for college and used to give Lead Character copies of Heights, the literary portfolio of their school. Quark Henares had short stories there that stood out. Lead Character felt that this young helmer had huge potential in defining a generation through films. When Quark Henares came out with Gamitan (2002), Lead Character was excited, but was ultimately disappointed. He thought Rakenrol would change all that, hoping that it would be our answer to Almost Famous.

Not. A. Chance.

What would have made the film better was if the fictional band in there, Hapipaks, were actually good. But they weren't. The lead vocalist, Irene, played by Glaiza de Castro, sang like Dina Bonnevie back when she had a career in music. And their songs were--for lack of better word--bleh. It's sacrilegious because they got cameos from Sugarfree and Ely Buendia, and they should have been in better movies.

The only good things about the movie were the character Jacci Rocha (Diether Ocampo), who was hilarious, and Mo (Ketchup Eusebio), who was the only one who could convince us that he's in a rock band. And well, yeah, Alwyn Uytingco's gorgeous face.

That being said, if you want to waste your time watching some pretentious, pseudo-rock movie horseshit, watch Rakenrol. Otherwise, just watch Zombadings again.

Lead Character Answers Miss Universe 2011 Questions

2011-09-14T11:12:00.001+08:00

If you could trade lives with anyone in history, who would it be and why?

Boa noite, Brasil!

I would trade lives with Adolf Hitler.

Just kidding! But you should see the look on your faces.

Would you change your religious beliefs to marry the person you love? Why and why not?

I do not have any religious beliefs to change, because I do not believe in religion. I'd say that I do not believe in God, but I already ruined your night when I said I'd trade lives with Adolf Hitler, so I'll just keep that to myself. Also, I cannot marry the person that I love because it is not allowed in my country, or in most parts of the world, for that matter.

Obrigado, Brasil!

Nude beaches are common in some parts of the country. Is public nudity appropriate or inappropriate and why?

I like even tans, right down to the ass.

Obrigado por ter me, Brasil!

What would you do to avoid fighting a war that you did not agree with?

Just act busy.

Olá, Brasil! Como você está fazendo?

If you could change one of your physical characteristics, which one would it be and why?

I'd love for my teeth to be smaller.

Você está bem, o Brasil?

Grammar Weekly - Lay or Lie?

2011-09-07T00:32:00.002+08:00

"Lay" and "lie" are tricky words, in that they get confusing because of their past tense and past participle forms.

Here, we end the confusion once and for all using, as per ushe, sexually explicit examples to keep things interesting.

First, let's discuss the difference between lay and lie.

Lay is a transitive (meaning it involves a direct object) verb that means "to put or set down."
E.g., Lay the used condom on the floor to freak out your roommates.
Lie is an intransitive (meaning it does not involve anything or anyone to act on) verb that means "to be or to stay at rest in a horizontal position."
E.g., Lie down, bitch, and relax your ass because this is one hell of a fist!

Now that you're more confident in the use of "lay" and "lie," let's get to the trickier part: their past tense forms.

Lay in past tense is laid.
Incorrect: My roommates freaked out when they saw the used condom that I lay there last night.
Correct: My roommates freaked out when they saw the used condom that I laid there last night.
Lie in past tense is lay.
Incorrect: He laid there all morning because his ass was sore.
Correct: He lay there all morning because his ass was sore.

Not too bad, isn't it? You now think you're going to impress your date when you use "lay" and "lie" in their past tense forms perfectly, don't you? Well, not too fast. We still have the past participles to discuss.

Lay in past participle form, just like its past tense, is laid.
E.g., I should not have laid the used condom on the floor for everyone to see because my disgusted roommates repaid my prank by having me eat it.
Lie in past participle form is lain.
E.g., I would have lain in bed all day if not for your text message asking me to take you to the hospital, you cheating fist-slut!

Sources:
http://englishplus.com/grammar/00000233.htm
http://www.webster.com

Facebooking

2011-09-06T23:23:00.000+08:00

Vox populi:
It's Friday!
[like]

[tag]
him, her
them

[comment]
Same thing again tonight?

...so it goes
without even mentioning
text messages
exchanged earlier
about something else
entirely

[untag]
photos from last weekend
that scream
anti-angular

[logout]
[login]

no new notifications

[upload]
photos from last month
that scream
jet setter

...so it goes
without even mentioning
how last night
i woke up
in cold sweats

[What's on your mind?]

the truth?

after months
of seeming
up and about
with nothing to lose
i revisited you

my heart cracked
like the earth

[unfriend]

10 Things About "Zombadings 1: Patayin sa Shokot si Remington"

2011-08-26T15:15:00.005+08:00

Writers (Jade Castro, Michiko Yamamoto, Raymond Lee) of mostly tearjerker films (Endo, Ang Pagdadalaga ni Maximo Oliveros, Magnifico, Anak, Milan) collaborated to come up with this hysterical comedy.
Funniest bit: Daniel Fernando's character giving an impassioned speech on why he hates gays.
Martin Escudero (the guy who plays Remington) has gorgeous eyes.
Kerbie Zamora (the guy who plays Remington's best friend) is crazy hot.
Lead Character needs to procure a similar hairdryer-shaped gaydar.
Almost everyone in the audience thinks guy-on-guy action is hilarious, especially between straight male best friends. Lead Character just sank in his seat, hoping it would turn pornographic, much to his dismay.
John Regala is the Ray Liotta of the Philippines.
This movie deserves more than one viewing. There are just a handful of subtle but funny bits that you could miss if you don't pay enough attention to the entire screen.
'Ang Babae sa Septic Tank' is funnier and much more cohesive, not that a comparison is necessary.
This needs a wide international release, especially in North America. The challenge is how to make swardspeak subtitles as funny as they're supposed to be. The title alone is quite difficult to translate into English. Lead Character proposes the following: "Zombiatches 1: Scare the Living Gaylights Out of Remington." (OK, that probably wouldn't work. Any ideas?)

How Lead Character Lost His Fifth Cell Phone

2011-08-16T00:50:00.007+08:00

Season 2 Episode 12

Lead Character is drunk again. After two pitchers of Blue Imagination, a strong yet tasty concoction from Karaoke5 (a karaoke hangout), Lead Character’s world starts spinning. And with its spinning comes the carnal desire to shuffle on the dance floor. So after an engrossing discussion on love, sex, books, and fecal matter with most of the usual guest stars—JabberedOnion, NonFacebooker, Jorit, Beaj—Lead Character decides it’s time to head off to Twelve, a tiny, suffocating bar that Lead Character and other phallus enthusiasts frequent. Of course, JabberedOnion, NonFacebooker, and Jorit are not big on phalluses (or is it phalli?), so he goes there instead with Beaj, picking up BobbinThread, another phallus fan, along the way.

Lead Character admires BobbinThread in superlative magnitude. Several months ago, BobbinThread quit a high-paying job in financial services to pursue his passion in fashion design. He just dropped everything, went to fashion school, then came back and opened his own shop. Now he's dressing up people and life couldn't be more thrilling for him. To quote a line from the movie Jerry Maguire: "That's how you become great, man. Hang your balls out there." Lead Character feels that unlike BobbinThread, he still has his balls tucked between his legs, and they're tiny.

After hours of sweating their armpits off, Beaj decides it’s time to head on home, leaving BobbinThread and Lead Character to reign over the dance floor all by themselves.

BOBBINTHREAD: I am sooo drunk right now. . .

LEAD CHARACTER: Me, too!

BOBBINTHREAD: . . .sooo drunk, because it's the only manageable thing to be right now.

Lead Character nods in agreement, because if he were in BobbinThread’s shoes, he’d prefer to be in a drunken state as well.

(Flashback: Five hours earlier. . .Lead Character receives a text message from BobbinThread.

“My father only has three months to live, maximum. He needs chemotherapy ASAP.”

Lead Character doesn’t know how to react to the message. He knows no words could ever save BobbinThread’s dad from cancer. All he can really do at this point is just be there for his friend.)

BobbinThread grabs a guy to dance with Lead Character, who immediately obliges. A couple of guys, one in a GRAY SHIRT and another in RED, pass by. Lead Character grabs them to dance with a young white man who’s been dancing all by himself. After a few minutes, GRAY SHIRT and RED free themselves from the white man.

BOBBINTHREAD: I like the guy in red.

LEAD CHARACTER: I like the guy in red for you.

A couple of hours later, BobbinThread and LeadCharacter find themselves outside Twelve, physically exhausted but still high in spirit. Palermo, the bar right next to Twelve, is a fun one. It’s infested with whores who only respond to foreigners, so the underappreciated locals tend to enjoy the attention they get from phallus enthusiasts.

LEAD CHARACTER: Let’s get in there!

BOBBINTHREAD: Let’s!

As they head into the next bar, they notice that GRAY SHIRT and RED are right in front of them.

BOBBINTHREAD: It’s RED! I want to dance with him!

LEAD CHARACTER: In that case, I’m having GRAY SHIRT!

So off they go dancing with the guys. Lead Character makes a bold move and pulls GRAY SHIRT closer towards him. GRAY SHIRT happily grinds with Lead Character.

LEAD CHARACTER (V.O.): Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned!

Just then, GRAY SHIRT pulls himself away from Lead Character and grabs RED with him. They start off to leave. Squinting at the two young men, Lead Character runs his hands on his pockets. His phone is gone.

So that’s it, just like that, Lead Character loses his fifth cell phone. He also lost a couple of his first four cell phones in a similar manner. Lead Character decides he’s not going to have any of it anymore; he has got to grow some balls!

He runs and catches up with GRAY SHIRT, hugging him from behind. Lead Character feels GRAY SHIRT’S pants pocket. It’s definitely his cellphone in there. Katy Perry’s “Firework” blares through the speakers as Lead Character fishes his phone out.

LEAD CHARACTER (cheerfully): Hey! You have my cellphone!

GRAY SHIRT ignores Lead Character and just continues walking away, nervously tailing his friend.

And just like that, Lead Character loses his cell phone, but gets it back immediately using, for what seems like the first time, a pair of balls. If there’s anything worth noting about life, it’s that it is short. One moment it’s your first day at school gaining new friends, the next you’re years beyond college life trying to stay afloat in various ways, because the older you get, the more you have things bringing you down—you have another friend who might be burying his parent soon, and you have a dead-end job to always go back to after your highly anticipated drunken weekends. So it all boils down to which side of the fence you want to end up on—the fucker side or the fucked.

Lead Character, props to him, chose the badass freakfucker side tonight.

Grammar Weekly - Squinting Modifiers

2011-08-09T21:41:00.000+08:00

It's time again for another segment of Grammar Weekly. Lead Character's friend, Punky, encouraged him to keep at it because of its importance. Hence this.

Our topic for today is all about modifiers, and how they sometimes squint in a sentence.

To refresh your memory, modifiers are what you add in your sentence to add details to an otherwise bland statement. It's the seasoning on your meat, they're the spices that make plain vinegar pinakurat, the wattle that completes your double chin. . .you get the drift, right? Simply put, they're the adjectives and adverbs in your sentences.

As an adjective: The man who can't be moved just waits in the corner.

As an adverb: He just stands there like he can't be moved.

Now, what happens when modifiers squint?

When a modifier squints, it would seem like it's modifying either the subject preceding or succeeding it, as is in the following example:

"Masturbating often causes clear skin."

Now, that sentence is clearly ambiguous (clearly ambiguous, ha! Could I be any more ironic?), and would confuse a lot of masturbators. Is it when they regularly masturbate that they get clear skin? Or does the act of masturbation itself cause clear skin most of the time? If your sentence offers the same ambiguity, you need to fix your modifier.

And that's it for now. Next week, if I see another post on Facebook about people having a "pictorial," I will discuss the difference between a pictorial and a photo shoot IN ALL FRICKIN' CAPS!!!

But for now, if you want to read up more about modifiers, and how they not only squint, but dangle and get misplaced sometimes, click here.

Lead Character Likes It Creamy

2011-08-08T21:42:00.001+08:00

(Season 2, Episode 11 - Finally, after a long hiatus)

Carbonara, in case you were thinking of something bodily. Lead Character doesn't like the real carbonara, which is dry. Gladly, most cafes he's been to serve their carbonara creamy. He's only been to one restaurant that served authentic carbonara, and he couldn't finish it. It was at Vue, a pretty little place at the Cebu Yacht Club, and while their other dishes were phenomenal, Lead Character had trouble downing their penne pasta carbonara.

So today, after work, Lead Character decides to make himself creamy carbonara, grabbing the recipe from pinoyfoodblog. He'd made the same carbonara last Christmas, but he wasn't able to release the entire affair as an episode because his brother deleted the photos he took of the undertaking.

It's actually supposed to be potato wedges for today, but after a prior attempt that involved their oven exploding in front of his face, making him, his mother, and his aunt yelp like helpless little girls, Lead Character decided to steer clear of baking for now.

The ingredients:

Lead Character decides not to follow pinoyfoodblog completely. Instead of the suggested Spinach Fettuccine, he picks 400g of regular spaghetti. The reason? Budget constraints. He also doesn't bother with the nutmeg. Since he had parsley flakes from his attempt at potato wedges, he decides that will make for a proper replacement. Of course there's 2 cans of Cream of Mushroom, 250ml All Purpose Cream, 1 head of garlic, olive oil, and a cup of instant Korean noodles. Why the Korean noodles, you ask? Well, it's in case Lead Character screws up the sauce and pasta and gets too hungry to cook another batch. Not appearing in the photo are parmesan cheese and the generally needed salt and pepper.

As Lead Character starts cooking the pasta, a major problem arises. The flame doesn't get high enough to boil water. He's already salted it and mixed with drips of olive oil so the pasta won't stick, but it never boils. An hour into it, out of desperation and impatience, Lead Character drops the pasta. And this is where the cup of Korean noodles becomes the hero. Already hungry, Lead Character decides it's time to devour a whole cup.

Surprisingly, the pasta cooks al dente, after almost half an hour of swimming in simmering water. But the real challenge now is preparing the sauce. The flame is just not high enough to cook the meat. Lead Character calls up his mother but she doesn't believe him that their stove might be broken once again.

Lead Character's aunt comes to the rescue. He sees her boiling water in her teeny weeny dirty kitchen, so he pleads for him to cook there. She lets him.

The rest of the cooking goes a lot smoother and faster this time. The end result is a carbonara sauce whose consistency is very much to Lead Character's liking.

Serving suggestion:

Top with parmesan cheese on a cafeteria type of plate to make the dish even more ravishing. See? See?

And now the real challenge: eating the thing. Lead Character thinks it is not that bad. Lead Character's sister likes it better than the one he made last Christmas. Unfortunately, after a while, it does get really. . .I'm having trouble picking the English word for it. . .but in Cebuano the word is ngilngig. . .and the only word I can come up with off the top of my head is. . .Schwarzeneggerey. Yes, after a while, Lead Character's ideal creamy carbonara gets really Schwarzeneggerey.

If You Ever Plan on Going to Camsur. . .

2011-04-12T23:58:00.000+08:00

Do not book your flight with AirPhil. I repeat, do not book your flight with AirPhil.

Months ago, JabberedOnion found online that AirPhil was having promo fares for flights to different domestic destinations. She immediately notified Lead Character and the rest of the gang about it so they can have another group vacation after their super-awesome Pinatubo adventure. Their choice of destination: Camarines Sur--to try out wakeboarding at the Camsur Watersports Complex and island hopping on the relatively undiscovered Caramoan Islands.

Their outgoing flight was supposed to be from Cebu to Naga City and ingoing from Naga City to Cebu, all direct. But a day before their scheduled flight, NonFacebooker found out from a coworker that all direct AirPhil flights between Cebu and Naga have been cancelled. Immediately, NonFacebooker notified Lead Character to have this confirmed. Conferencing in NonFacebooker to the call Lead Character placed with AirPhil customer service, they found out that this is true, and that their flight had been re-routed from Cebu to Manila, Manila to Legaspi City, a good two hours away from Naga City. Same goes for their return flight: Legaspi City, Manila, and then Cebu. Lead Character's eyes popped out from their sockets. This just cannot be happening! With all the traveling they'd be doing then, they'd be required to get up at two in the morning just to catch their flights. The bigger trouble is that from Caramoan, the boat ride to the port is more than an hour, and boats aren't even available whenever they want. And the most distressing thing was that all flights to and from Naga City were already full.

To make the long story short, it took for Lead Character's phone bill to go up to Php2,500 and a couple of stops at AirPhil offices just to make it possible for them to switch their airport back to Naga City. They didn't mind the connecting flights, what worried them was the re-route to Legaspi, which would just ruin a long-awaited vacation.

The only good thing about AirPhil was the customer service rep they spoke with, Kathy (or probably her name was with a C). Even if Lead Character and NonFacebooker were already pissed about the situation, taking no for an answer and almost yelling, Kathy remained her calm and made it possible for them to be able to switch airports.

Win Backstage Passes to the Bruno Mars Concert!

2011-04-01T08:34:00.000+08:00

Today, I'm a Tech Guy, But

2011-03-29T09:58:00.000+08:00

Back in the days,
I worked full-time
catching grasshoppers.

They were never hard
to catch. I wondered sometimes
what good it did them,
the power kicks that soared
them through the air,
only to have them slam
head-first into the
palm of my hand.

I would drop them
in clear plastic bags
then join my colleagues
for a late lunch
at the sapodilla forest
where we climbed trees
as high as our guts took us.

We could never enjoy
a full meal.
After a bite or two,
our neighbor would come
storming out of his house,
stick in hand.

One by one, we would
jump out onto the
naked ground, plastic
bags in our fists,
kicking hard on the
field of wet grass,
hopping, soaring,

summer wind against
our laughing faces.

The Rebecca Black Argument

2011-03-15T15:50:00.004+08:00

This is the song that could beat Justin Bieber's "Baby" to a pulp. "Friday" by Rebecca Black has already reached over 3 million views on YouTube in just over a month. Everyone who's listened to the song and watched the video agree on one thing: it has kick-ass lyrics.

Perhaps reminiscent of how Alanis Morissette took the world by storm back in the '90s with a bold confession of going down on her boyfriend in a theater, Rebecca Black courageously expresses a personal indecision: "Kicking in the front seat, sitting in the back seat, gotta make my mind up: which seat can I take?" This is perhaps Black's way of flipping off "You Can't Always Get What You Want" by the Rolling Stones with the implication that you don't always know what you want.

But reaching a different kind of level that other artists could only wish for is the kind of mystery that Black presents. She sings: "I got this, you got this. My friend is by my right, eh!" On the video, there is another girl by her left. Who is she? Is she just an acquaintance? A distant cousin she just met?

That is not the only mysterious thing in her song, though. When she sings "Fun, fun, fun, fun," it is delivered in a such a way that makes you question: "Is she really having fun? Or is she giving us an entirely different message that only a few can decode?"

And then we get to the bridge. We are reminded of how James Blunt repeatedly argues "You're beautiful, you're beautiful, it's true." Well, Mr. Blunt, your argument is weak. We do not know who you're singing to. For all we know she could be ugly. But Ms. Rebecca Black here gives us an argument no one can refute: "Yesterday was Thursday, today is Friday. . .tomorrow is Saturday and Sunday comes afterwards." No matter how you look at it, that is the correct order of days.

"Win Our Hearts" Winner

2011-03-09T07:02:00.002+08:00

This is two days belated but Lead Character would like to congratulate "me!" aka Timothy Flores for winning the "Win Our Hearts" contest with 50% of the votes for this magical entry:

Congratulations!

Since you're in Vancouver, you cannot really enjoy the prize of 2 movie tickets at SM Cinema, so feel free to award it to anyone in the Philippines. Just post in the comments section below who you want to transfer it to, and his/her Philippine mobile # (I will not publish it).

Of course, if you do not transfer it to anyone, you can enjoy it whenever you're here.

Congratulations again. You deserve it!